There is nothing like a heat wave to make one hyper aware of your body. Every limb, every roll, every errant strand of hair, every drop of sweat becoming a river. Feel it all, it’s all heavier and slower, more weight. For those of us in the throes of the many vague stages of menopause, this heat amplifies the betrayals this body offers. Am I sick? Is it the heat? Is this a hot flash?
"Yes I am an introvert and yes I am an extrovert. It’s complex. Obviously I should know that if I’m being interviewed there is an end result, a product. My desire for my insight into the world to be considered versus my need for privacy, that to be heard often means to be seen, they are at odds with one another."
Your line of thinking here is something I have long struggled with--even as a Substack writer. Yes, it feels wonderful to say things, write things, share our observations and get feedback, but the exposure is also unnerving, particularly if too much of ourself (me!) is revealed. Thank you for putting these deeply personal feelings into words.
Oh my gosh, I related to this so much. I go through this every summer: "When my mind is out of tolerance, for me, when I am obsessed with how I look, it indicates that something is off. I’m looking at screens too much, I’m fixated on public people with rapid weight loss because I am just that shallow and compulsive. I’m judging my body more than I’m using it. It often means I’m not reading enough or connecting with people. Usually what it means is that I’m just watching, that I’m not living enough. I don’t want any of these grievances with how I look to stop me from doing what I want to do, I don’t want fear to make decisions for me." Like, currently going through this. Just spiraling about body stuff, internet searches, mirror loathing, instead of doing work. The heat absolutely compels this. (I just got a lipedema diagnosis, which science confirms causes body swelling in the hotter weather, and am approaching perimenopause, so that's my current combo on top of the dysmorphia...) Thank you for writing this. And for the important, and true, conclusion. <3
"I am not a problem to be solved." Appreciate deeply your sharing that jewel, which I will treasure and write down often. And the entire piece is a jewel for me; I will come back to it.
This is so powerful, particularly when you consider the I AM affirmation.
I think I will use your letter here to remind myself to practice self-acceptance and practice gratitude for being healthy, capable able to function despite all my perceived flaws and imperfections.
My solace always is we are our own worst enemies when it comes to seeing ourselves on film. (That said I was interviewed for a doc last year and I will never watch it after seeing a tiny clip of myself 🫠)
You are not a problem to be solved Millicent, you are a goddamn SOLUTION. Also I thought you looked great on film.
Damnit Martha-it’s never lost on me what an incredible hype man you are❤️
"Yes I am an introvert and yes I am an extrovert. It’s complex. Obviously I should know that if I’m being interviewed there is an end result, a product. My desire for my insight into the world to be considered versus my need for privacy, that to be heard often means to be seen, they are at odds with one another."
Your line of thinking here is something I have long struggled with--even as a Substack writer. Yes, it feels wonderful to say things, write things, share our observations and get feedback, but the exposure is also unnerving, particularly if too much of ourself (me!) is revealed. Thank you for putting these deeply personal feelings into words.
I mentally highlighted so many parts of this because I relate to it so much. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, the commiseration and the support
Oh my gosh, I related to this so much. I go through this every summer: "When my mind is out of tolerance, for me, when I am obsessed with how I look, it indicates that something is off. I’m looking at screens too much, I’m fixated on public people with rapid weight loss because I am just that shallow and compulsive. I’m judging my body more than I’m using it. It often means I’m not reading enough or connecting with people. Usually what it means is that I’m just watching, that I’m not living enough. I don’t want any of these grievances with how I look to stop me from doing what I want to do, I don’t want fear to make decisions for me." Like, currently going through this. Just spiraling about body stuff, internet searches, mirror loathing, instead of doing work. The heat absolutely compels this. (I just got a lipedema diagnosis, which science confirms causes body swelling in the hotter weather, and am approaching perimenopause, so that's my current combo on top of the dysmorphia...) Thank you for writing this. And for the important, and true, conclusion. <3
"I am not a problem to be solved." Appreciate deeply your sharing that jewel, which I will treasure and write down often. And the entire piece is a jewel for me; I will come back to it.
"I am not a problem to be solved." 💖
This is so powerful, particularly when you consider the I AM affirmation.
I think I will use your letter here to remind myself to practice self-acceptance and practice gratitude for being healthy, capable able to function despite all my perceived flaws and imperfections.
Thank you for your honesty.
My solace always is we are our own worst enemies when it comes to seeing ourselves on film. (That said I was interviewed for a doc last year and I will never watch it after seeing a tiny clip of myself 🫠)